You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All

He Goes

Here is some advice my father once gave me, about children.

"When they're little," he said, "they're going to want to help out with washing up, or gardening. Let them. They'll do a terrible job, and you'll have to do extra work because not only will you have to clear up the mess they've made, you'll have to do the original job as well. But if you stop them doing it when they're enthusiastic but incapable, you've missed your chance. When they're old enough to do a good job, they won't want to."

Advice is a rare thing, probably one of the few things in the world that everyone wants to give away and no-one wants to receive. It's just so easy to think: "This person is having a problem and I know how to fix it!" That's fine, we're only human, we can have our thoughts. Letting them slip out of our mouths, though - that's a whole other kettle of fish. In social dancing I sometimes get that little urge to speak, but fortunately I've mainly managed to keep a rein on it - and often just getting over the initial moment is enough to dispel the temptation completely. I'm back in the dance, and when it's over I can think "well, that could easily have been my fault anyway". Sometimes I get a graphic example of why advice would have been not only rude but pointless - the follow I was dancing with dances with another lead and never makes the mistake that triggered my impulse to tinker.

I will say, I tend to forget to keep my mouth closed in beginner's classes, but even then, when people are actively in learning mode and at their most open to suggestions, I have a strict regime I follow: only when the teacher isn't talking, only when there's something the other person is a) really struggling with or b) likely to injure themselves or others if they don't stop doing, and most importantly, only if I can make them feel better and more relaxed. I think that's the clincher, really - unsolicited criticism is rude because it sets up an unspoken dynamic - "you are wrong, and need correcting", which is a sure-fire way to drain anyone's enthusiasm.

Whenever you're tempted to give unsolicited advice, then, think about what my father said. Like a child's enthusiasm for housework, a dancer's love of dance can easily be lost if subjected to harsh criticism. Are you sure what you've got to say is really more important than another person enjoying themselves?

She Goes

How would you feel if, halfway through a social dance, your lead or follow told you that you were awful at that particular style of dance? Or that you were overly self indulgent? And this being the first time you've danced with them...?

This happened to two follows I know, from the same lead at the same social night. Keith just told me about it- and I was most unimpressed. I'm not sure how they responded, not being quite as forthright as me!

I think I would indignantly raise my eyebrows, cease all further conversation until the end of the dance, and then tell them in no uncertain terms and in Very Plain Language that such critique is very rude and particularly unwelcome from a complete stranger.

This lead couldn't have been a teacher, as with teaching comes certain levels of diplomacy. At least, it has for the ones I know.

I thought this raised the interesting subject of social critiquing. Is it ever acceptable to give such feedback outside of lesson/rehearsal space?

I think it is ONLY permissible when you can say yes to all of the below;

- you know your partner!
- you have danced with them many, many times.
- they have come to you for advice/feedback before OR it is something that needs urgent addressing and you are 100% sure you can do so in a sensitive, considerate and constructive manner.

There are perhaps 3 leads on the scene in London who I have had tips from whilest out socially, two of them teach and the third I have a massive dance crush on. If anyone else tried to offer me advice I think initially it could have the power to change my entire mood and dynamic for the night, never mind if I'm ready to address such issues in my dancing.

A lead who I am friends with now actually really annoyed me the first time I was in a lesson with him. I was unsettled and distracted and supremely flippin' irritated by him correcting me almost as soon as he'd finished introducing himself. It didn't matter that it was a valid point, it was arrogantly made. A more shy person could have been put off dancing completely by that. It turns out that he's known for it...

I'm saying all of this on my moral high horse of course. But I've been there... Trying to offer helpful hints but probably just offending people instead- I now actively try and keep my big trap shut unless my opinion is actively sought, or I'm helping teach. (And that's another post entirely!)

Sometimes comments may pop out of my mouth and I'd like to apologise unreservedly for them if I've ever offended you.

I mean, there are exceptions to the trap-shut rule. It's been a while but I go through phases of actively nagging Keith when we dance! But we have that sort of dynamic! ... But thinking about it, he rarely nags me. Hmm. Maybe I should think on that one for a while.

So to sum up- unless you can meet the requirements outlined above, keep it to yourself unless its going to make your dance partner smile. If the dance is that bad, make noises of appreciation through the good bits, and hopefully they'll be so encouraged they'll forget to do the moves that don't seem to work so well for you-Because noone wants to be known as that person who doesn't have a nice thing to say about anyone.