Straighten Up And Fly Right

He Goes:

Not everyone makes a good dance partner. 

There, I've said it. Swing dancers while dancing are just like people (in many ways, they are people), and that means that although a good 95% of them are great fun to spend a song with, there is that niggling 5% who just aren't. It might be because they're not good dancers, but sometimes they are, and they still aren't fun to dance with.

There is a conversation I have with almost every beginner I dance with, so much so that I should probably have it put onto a laminated card so that I can just hand it out. First of all there's the disclaimer, in which the beginner follow tells me that she isn't very good or only knows the moves we learnt in the lesson and I reassure her that that is no problem, we can just do that. Last of all I get asked how long I've been dancing for, at which point (after telling them) I generally start my explanation that it's probably not a useful question to ask, because it's hours on the floor that are important - for example I've been swing-dancing four times as long as Spoon and she's at least my equal, mainly because she dances at every opportunity.

It's the question in between that that I have to think about the most, which is this: "Don't you get bored dancing with beginners?"

Now, obviously it would be the height of bad manners to answer "yes" to that during a dance with a beginner, but actually I don't. I'm not sure I'd want to spend an entire night dancing with complete beginners, but even then I'm not sure - I haven't got bored dancing half of a night with beginners, why would the other half make any difference? 

It's not that I'm such an even-tempered person that I can enjoy dancing with anyone, it's just that experience isn't the determining factor for enjoyment. Some beginners are a bit of a chore to dance with, but it's not the fact that they are beginners that makes the difference. There are other things that make a dance partner tedious to dance with.

It's hard to explain, exactly, but there is a definite different feel between a dance partner who's doing their best to follow your lead but can't (either because they're inexperienced or because your lead is ambiguous), and a partner who won't follow your lead. It can feel like dancing with a store mannequin - more a battle than a dance, as you try to push someone around the floor.

A look of disapproval during a move is another way to make a dance unenjoyable. I like a reasonable bit of eye contact during a dance, and when a lead goes wrong I generally try to check out my follow's expression. The best I can hope for is a laugh - a shared understanding that one or the other, or possibly both of us, just made a hash of things, but that's OK. The next, and most common, expression, is one of confusion. That's perfectly understandable. What I don't like is when I get a frown, a "what do you think you're trying to do?" look. I'm not against people giving me advice - otherwise how am I going to learn, after all - but when I'm dancing with someone I like to feel like I'm dancing with them, not interviewing for a job.

Arm clampers are unpleasant to dance with. Having now followed a little, I appreciate how hard it is to keep your arms available, if for no other reason than the strain on one's shoulder muscles. But some follows will go further than that, seemingly leaning their whole weight onto my arm in closed position so that it feels as though I'm helping an injured woman to hospital rather than dancing with her. If I haven't had a chance to warm up this can be pretty excrutiating during classes - keeping a smile on while my shoulder is screaming in agony because three follows in a row have been leaning on it and I'm trying to keep a decent frame. Perhaps younger leads don't have that problem, or perhaps everyone's got the agonies and we're all toughing it out.

Alcohol seems to be a special way to leech fun from the more sober partner to the drunker, too. A bit of a drink to work up dutch courage I can understand, but occasionally you meet people who are going above and beyond. I'm getting to an age now where when I see a university-age woman drinking at a dance hall I have more of an urge to call her parents than dance with her. The perfect storm of unfun dancing is to dance with a drunk woman who is unable to keep time, unable or unwilling (or both) to follow a lead, and still thinks that she's god's gift to music. No.

So beginners, do not worry. It's not a limited number of moves that make a dance bad. After all, even when I dance with someone at the same level as me a good half of the dance is going to be basics and simple turns. What will make me wish I hadn't asked you to dance (or that I'd made an excuse when you asked) is grumpiness, is clamping down on my arm until I lose feeling in my hand, is treating the dance like a technical examination which we have to get through, and in which you have no part except to follow along like a robot.

She Goes:

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I can’t decide whether to do a disclaimer now or at the end of this post. How about I apologise for any offence now, and try to do some damage limitation at the end?

So, reasons for not enjoying dances/turning people down… this could end up being controversial!

Mr I-Can’t-Count; you know the moves, but I find it difficult to follow you when you do a 7-count swing out…or maybe a 9-count Charleston! I don’t really care if you send me out forwards/backwards/sideways, but send me out in the count I’m used to! And then start the next move after the current one has actually finished!! Count it with me, c’mon, one, two, three-and-four, five, six, seven-and-eight!

It’s really disconcerting! I’ll have to chalk it up to the fact my wondrous beauty is distracting you and making you nervous… These leads are often also about as musical as my kitchen sink! I can’t help but wonder why they picked swing dancing, maybe they’d prefer something else like, I don’t know, sitting down?! (And then I see them kicking swinging out like a boss later on- egg on my judgmental face much?!)

Mr Robot; Seriously dude, you need to chill out! Tense arms and legs, you’re all elbows and knees…and don’t get me started on the plate hands!! As a follow I try and reflect my lead’s style of dancing- I think it makes the dance flow better and makes us look more compatible to any watchers. But, hell, do I feel uptight after our dance! Loosey-goosey baby, loosey-goosey!

Mr Swimmingly; Now look, we ALL sweat like mad when we’re getting our swing on. I’m not talking about that. Wet shirts? I’m not afraid. Slippy hands and arms? I laugh in the face of their danger!  Actually I quite like my leads hot and sweaty. Damp shirt, shiny face, slightly out of breath? Yeah, you’re all warmed up, let’s do this!

I’m talking about the guy that sweats so much you’re wetter from his sweat than your own. I’m not even kidding. (This isn’t the odd drip; it’s more like a shower from every movement) Most regular dancers are actually incredibly gentleman like and considerate when it comes to this. Regular shirt changes and a discreet towel/flannel whip round and they’re ready to go for some more. But. There is the odd lead that doesn’t. I actually know one and I have to avoid him, which is quite awkward. However, he also falls under the above two categories so I have very just cause.

Mr Lynx; You smell. I’m sorry, you really do. I cannot believe that you are not aware of this. Let’s look at this logically, shall we? You are a regular dancer. A regular dancer who knows they get hot and sweaty. But you have no towel, no change of shirt, no spritz of scent, no mints and probably not an extra spray of deodorant before you came out either. If you had just one of these things I could forgive you…  You smell like you just stepped off a farm! Please, do something about this; you’re not doing yourself any favours! I personally try and spray nice smells on myself when out dancing, throughout the night, as I do get very hot and sweaty sometimes. (If I do smell bad, somebody needs to tell me right now)

On the subject of breath, I am fine with most food smells (except fish breath! Urgh!)- But if you eat something pungent the day of dancing please do bring mints/gum, as I know many other follows who are less forgiving than I am. Plus I love a waft of minty-freshness whilst on the floor. 

Mr Wet-Fish; like a limp handshake, your leading is floppy and insecure. I can’t read your signals and we spend the whole dance apologising to each other, both feeling worse and worse as the seconds tick by. I feel confident enough now on the social dance floor to ask for stronger signals when I find a lead like this. 

Mr Bad-Toucher; we covered this a couple of weeks ago and I’m thrilled to say that I’ve not had a bad touch since. I will own up to accidentally instigating a boob grab at the last social dance I went to, but a non-dancer distracted me. My lead pulled me up on it straight away and I called him ungrateful … And then apologised after a couple of bars. *Shame face* 

All in all I’m quite lucky that the people I dance with regularly don’t fall into these categories- what a lovely civilised bunch you are!

And if you ever have any doubt or fear that you are one of these Mr categories- then work on changing it! Eat ALL the mints! Change ALL the t-shirts! Count ALL the 8s!

She Hears:

A bonus soundtrack compiled by Spoon to get your Monday swinging:
http://8tracks.com/smallspoonful/that-old-sound