He Goes:
In David Foster Wallace's Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, one of the characters introduces a sort of rating system for men's attitudes towards their sexual partners:- Type One: those who just look out for their own pleasure, who are treating the other person as an agent to be used.
- Type Two: those who are focused on pleasing their partners because they want to show off how skilled they are as lovers.
- Type Three: those who go beyond that to recognise the other person as an agent with their own need to be appreciated, who can make their partner feel like a great lover.
Type One Leads
This by and large is where everyone starts out, and it's a reasonable place to begin but a terrible place to stay. Type One leads are the guys (and here I use the term guys to actually mean mainly men, because by the time most women become leads they're already good enough to leapfrog this stage) who are focused entirely on themselves. Literally, in some cases, because the most innocent of these dancers are the shoegazing beginners who can't spare much mental energy for their partners in case their own legs leap off their bodies and twirl away into the distance like defective boomerangs.
It's reasonable to be a Type One lead of this sort, because - well, dancing is sort of hard. It's also sort of easy, but when you're starting it's very difficult to focus on the easy bits. I, like many leads, have a touch of male-dancer-disease (chief symptom: paralysis from the nipples up), so I can appreciate that it can take a lot of focus at the beginning to both lead and dance at the same time. There are people who never seem to get over this, though, leads who get too focused on whether they're dancing "correctly" and never get round to wondering if they're dancing enjoyably.
Type Two Leads
Becoming a Type Two lead is generally a matter of having overcome the initial difficulties of dancing and having had enough experience on the social dance floor to have come to terms with your own feet. A Type Two lead is stylish, he or she isn't a bad dancer and they are generally fun to dance with. It takes a particularly clueless person to remain a Type One for a long time on the social dance floor, but if you've become a Type Two lead you might never feel the need to progress any further. Why would you? Aren't your follows impressed by your leading? Don't you give them some jumps and dips and show them some feel for the music?
The problem with being a Type Two is that it's easy to get so focused on making your follow do all the moves that you forget that you're not performing for them, you're performing with them. (Personally I think I'm at my most Type-Twoish when dancing with a teacher.)
Type Three Leads
Without wanting to go too Zen on this whole concept, to be a Type Three lead is almost to come full circle and to be a follow again. I have heard that back in the day tango students in Buenos Aires were required to learn following before they were allowed to learn to lead. I'm not sure that would be particularly practical for swing-dance classes, but the idea is intriguing. The skill is in recognising during the dance what your dance partner is capable of.
If you're dancing with a follow who is better than you, this means a relaxed lead - and a hesitant one, too. Follows are always being told that they should not anticipate moves, but this cuts both ways. A concrete example is the one-two lead of a Lindy Turn. Some people learn that the lead-in begins at this point, most people that the one-two is in place and the lead-in doesn't begin until the first triple-step. Clearly for a Type Three lead the second option gives the follow more room to style their swivels, or even to do something different, and by waiting until the last possible moment the lead gives himself more room to change his mind. Perhaps the follow has begun something so complicated that it would be better to leave them in open for a few more beats?
Even if you're dancing with a beginner, you might consider what leads you can give to make them feel as though they're not only dancing, but a better dancer than they think. If a follow seems to be having trouble keeping in time, staying in a relaxed close hold is not a terrible option. But if they're relaxed, give them turns that they didn't learn in class but that use the same basic leads. If you see a look of amazed pleasure on their face - not with you, but with them - that's the payoff!
Like being a Nietzschean Superman, I think being a Type Three lead is something a one should aspire to even in the knowledge that one may never get there. I'm not there yet myself, but I have my moments... And it's a worthy trip!
She Goes:
Keith, I find it interesting we classify our types slightly differently!
Please note; These leads are not necessarily the same type every time you dance with them- perhaps it’s an off night for them- or you- and you should ALWAYS give someone the benefit of another dance (or 3) before you add them to/leave them from the mental list of dancers you’re digging. It should also go without saying you should not be afraid to ask someone you consider to be ‘too advanced’ for you- considerate leads will adapt to what you’re comfortable with whilst still challenging you. Also, I will admit I assume in general that leads are chaps and follows are chicks- but we all know this is not the case. I love a bit of lady leading- and watching two dudes on the floor- yes please!
Mr Me
A great dancer. Maybe you’ve danced together before; maybe it’s the first time. Perhaps you’ve been checking out how fly he’s looking with his follow and thinking you’d like to have a go on that! But once you’re dancing there’s something missing… there’s no eye contact, either from glazed over eyes staring into the ether, or worse, looking round the room at everyone other than you. (I’m a big stickler for eye contact. If we’re dancing I want to be your entire world for these 3/4 minutes as you are mine) A great way to bring focus back to you is to start a conversation- or at least make a brief comment if a full on natter isn’t possible. ‘Your move looked awesome’, ‘I really enjoyed that’, or my personal favourite, ‘I think about you at night’ are examples. (Obviously I’m joking about the third one!)
In addition to the eye contact, you’re not clicking physically. A sense of dissatisfaction is overcoming you. Don’t get me wrong; it takes two to STFO, but when I first started social dancing it really irked me that someone I was dancing with for the first time assumed I was at their level, and I found it distressing that I couldn’t quite ‘get’ what they were asking me to do- and they kept asking me to do the same things. What I learnt from that experience was to say ‘I’m unfamiliar with this, please can you explain what you’re leading me into, so we can try again’.
There is also a rare breed of Mr Me that is so caught up in style and their own repertoire of steps that regardless of your own level, on some nights you feel like you’re only there as a token gesture! My simple remedy for this is as follows. If your lead is a big fat show off- show off harder, and have fun with it! Twist hard, kick out, or shimmy and shake what your mother gave you! I can guarantee that there will be at least one person in the room envious of the fun you’re having.
Mr You
The lead who, bless them, may be neglecting their own levels of fun because they’re concerned with showcasing you as much as possible. (I find newbies are commonly here) And hey, let’s be honest, it’s all about making your follow look fabulous, but there can be a limit to it. Too many spins and turns can get a bit dizzying, as well as repetitive. I don’t know about you, but I also want my lead to look like he’s having as much fun as I am! Worrying about your follows’ enjoyment level is noble and highly desirable, but the furrowed brow and muttered apologies, tense shoulders (I can feel it, remember) and general lack of smiling make me feel guilty for having a free ride of it. (Not all the time, mind, but most of it.)
As a follow who has dabbled her tootsies in the leading pool I completely understand Mr You- you leads have so much to be thinking about during a dance! However, I personally would forgo a large and varied combination of moves to follow in exchange for less moves, showy or otherwise, that you are happy leading. That little look of joy and satisfaction you get when a move comes off well – and you all do it- that is what I live for while I’m in your arms. Lady leads take note; the fact you’re leading dances is super cool- and I know you can lead me into some cracking things- but I want you to get your kicks too, ya dig?
Follows, please compliment Mr You, not just when he leads you into something super fly and super fun, but maybe you like his leading style, his Charleston kicks or maybe no-ones ever lead you into that move before. Don’t make things up- but remember that leads enjoy having their confidence watered just as we follows do.
Hello Mr!
I think we all know who these leads are; the ones we really click with, we get their signals and they give us the space to do our own thing. A second dance socially comes as standard. Some don’t speak at all; some lead us off the floor laughing at their humour. We finish our dances with them smiling. They are often the ones who get snapped up straight away, but not always. Hello Mr is the lead we love to dance with; and hopefully we can help the other Mr’s get there too.
So, to summarise; take responsibility for your lead while you’re together. Interact verbally as well as physically. Say nice things to each other- a positive community is a happy one! Have fun. And remember- it’s only dancing….
Please note; These leads are not necessarily the same type every time you dance with them- perhaps it’s an off night for them- or you- and you should ALWAYS give someone the benefit of another dance (or 3) before you add them to/leave them from the mental list of dancers you’re digging. It should also go without saying you should not be afraid to ask someone you consider to be ‘too advanced’ for you- considerate leads will adapt to what you’re comfortable with whilst still challenging you. Also, I will admit I assume in general that leads are chaps and follows are chicks- but we all know this is not the case. I love a bit of lady leading- and watching two dudes on the floor- yes please!
Mr Me
A great dancer. Maybe you’ve danced together before; maybe it’s the first time. Perhaps you’ve been checking out how fly he’s looking with his follow and thinking you’d like to have a go on that! But once you’re dancing there’s something missing… there’s no eye contact, either from glazed over eyes staring into the ether, or worse, looking round the room at everyone other than you. (I’m a big stickler for eye contact. If we’re dancing I want to be your entire world for these 3/4 minutes as you are mine) A great way to bring focus back to you is to start a conversation- or at least make a brief comment if a full on natter isn’t possible. ‘Your move looked awesome’, ‘I really enjoyed that’, or my personal favourite, ‘I think about you at night’ are examples. (Obviously I’m joking about the third one!)
In addition to the eye contact, you’re not clicking physically. A sense of dissatisfaction is overcoming you. Don’t get me wrong; it takes two to STFO, but when I first started social dancing it really irked me that someone I was dancing with for the first time assumed I was at their level, and I found it distressing that I couldn’t quite ‘get’ what they were asking me to do- and they kept asking me to do the same things. What I learnt from that experience was to say ‘I’m unfamiliar with this, please can you explain what you’re leading me into, so we can try again’.
There is also a rare breed of Mr Me that is so caught up in style and their own repertoire of steps that regardless of your own level, on some nights you feel like you’re only there as a token gesture! My simple remedy for this is as follows. If your lead is a big fat show off- show off harder, and have fun with it! Twist hard, kick out, or shimmy and shake what your mother gave you! I can guarantee that there will be at least one person in the room envious of the fun you’re having.
Mr You
The lead who, bless them, may be neglecting their own levels of fun because they’re concerned with showcasing you as much as possible. (I find newbies are commonly here) And hey, let’s be honest, it’s all about making your follow look fabulous, but there can be a limit to it. Too many spins and turns can get a bit dizzying, as well as repetitive. I don’t know about you, but I also want my lead to look like he’s having as much fun as I am! Worrying about your follows’ enjoyment level is noble and highly desirable, but the furrowed brow and muttered apologies, tense shoulders (I can feel it, remember) and general lack of smiling make me feel guilty for having a free ride of it. (Not all the time, mind, but most of it.)
As a follow who has dabbled her tootsies in the leading pool I completely understand Mr You- you leads have so much to be thinking about during a dance! However, I personally would forgo a large and varied combination of moves to follow in exchange for less moves, showy or otherwise, that you are happy leading. That little look of joy and satisfaction you get when a move comes off well – and you all do it- that is what I live for while I’m in your arms. Lady leads take note; the fact you’re leading dances is super cool- and I know you can lead me into some cracking things- but I want you to get your kicks too, ya dig?
Follows, please compliment Mr You, not just when he leads you into something super fly and super fun, but maybe you like his leading style, his Charleston kicks or maybe no-ones ever lead you into that move before. Don’t make things up- but remember that leads enjoy having their confidence watered just as we follows do.
Hello Mr!
I think we all know who these leads are; the ones we really click with, we get their signals and they give us the space to do our own thing. A second dance socially comes as standard. Some don’t speak at all; some lead us off the floor laughing at their humour. We finish our dances with them smiling. They are often the ones who get snapped up straight away, but not always. Hello Mr is the lead we love to dance with; and hopefully we can help the other Mr’s get there too.
So, to summarise; take responsibility for your lead while you’re together. Interact verbally as well as physically. Say nice things to each other- a positive community is a happy one! Have fun. And remember- it’s only dancing….
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